I’ve been trying to write, but everything I write seems to
come out lackluster and dusty. I’m not in a good mood. I have no desire to
write about embracing the positives and making the most of the moment. I even
went back and read some old posts last night, looking for self-motivation,
usually that will do the trick. It didn’t work. After I read them I felt more
like writing a comment back to myself:
Dear Modern Day Mary,
Cut the shit, we all know how hard breakups and life changes
can be and vomiting sunshine out of your mouth onto a blog page, is not an
accurate description. While I do believe your feelings in your posts are
genuine, I’m not convinced it’s an accurate portrayal of how you feel most of the time.
Let’s be real, most of the time you’re exhausted. It
literally takes every ounce of your strength to pull yourself out of bed in the
morning. Putting on makeup is an idiotic chore – who wants to look at you
anyway? Brushing your teeth in order to paste a clean white fake smile onto
your face makes your “real” inner-self cringe. You’re letting your laundry pile
up, no notices what you wear anyway, right?
Your only respite comes from work.
You can throw yourself into endless emails and task-lists. You can put your
headphones on and drown out the world around you. For 8 hours out of your day,
you have a reason NOT to think about him. Five-o-clock comes too soon. You’re
almost looking for an excuse to stay, some reason not to go home to your
lonesome apartment. You don’t want to go out though either. You’re tired of
putting on your “I’m OK. No really, I’m fine” face. You don’t want to repeat
again “I’m sure this is for the best, besides, you never know what the future
brings”. Fuck that! You don’t know if this is for the best, in fact every fiber
in your being tells you different right now. If you could snap your fingers and
go back to your happiest time with him, don’t lie; you would.
Instead you put
your coat on and head out towards home. This cold weather doesn’t help a hurt
heart. Once you get home, you’re back into your lonely routine: take the dog
out, feed the guinea pigs, make something for dinner, take a shower, watch TV, read,
try to go to sleep.
Sleep, you hate sleep. You used to relish a good nap, now
you’ll do anything to avoid letting your subconscious take the driver’s seat.
Instead you read novels with graphic depictions of war and violence. You avoid
anything with a romantic undertone. Love is for suckers, you think. Love isn’t
for you. Every time you take down your walls and open your heart, someone
leaves. It’s a funny thing how long it takes to take down that wall and how
quickly you can build it right back up, always stronger than the last.
Finally, you let yourself drift. You try to think of all the
things you have to do at work tomorrow. You make lists in your head. You try
not to wonder where he is, who he’s with since he’s not with you. You force
yourself to imagine the worst. He’s probably asleep next to someone else right now,
someone cuter, skinnier, funnier someone that makes him content with the
decision he made to leave. He’s probably wishing he would have done it sooner,
he’s probably wishing, after the fight you had, that you had never been a part
of his life to begin with. Sometimes you need a good sucker punch to the
stomach before you can give up the fight and walk away, even if that sucker
punch is self-inflicted and completely non-factual.
It’s late now… or early if you will. Only four hours left
until your alarm rings. Only four hours to let your mind take over. Only four
hours until you can wake up and make it yours again. So you succumb to the
sleep, only out of necessity. Eventually, you feel yourself wake. There’s that
brief millisecond when your consciousness hasn’t caught up to your brain. When
you feel like everything is fine. If only you could float in between those
seconds all day. Your brain catches up. You pull self out of bed. Only 4 more
work days to go, then the weekend – a beast all of it’s own.
Admit it, Mary - that's how you feel MOST of the time. Maybe admitting it to yourself will make you move forward. Best of luck on your future endeavors. May you be graced with a time when re-reading this will stir no bad memories, instead only trigger happiness.
Sincerely -
Your reader
