Passionate

I haven't worked in the last 8 months. I had anxiety just typing that sentence. Unemployment has such a negative stigma associated with it. It took awhile for me to get over that. Saying or writing the word “unemployed” somehow evokes a feeling of shame. It’s shoved in your face in some of the most unexpected places too; at the doctor getting my flu shot, filling out an online order form. I was sure I was going to be asked at the Target checkout buying tampons. It’s also one of the first things people ask you upon meeting.

I began thinking ahead of time how I’d answer this question. In addition to being unemployed, I was/am single. (hit me up). It being 2016, I’m on the dating app Tinder. When signing up for a profile you’re prompted to list your profession. It’s the first thing you see under someone’s picture. If it doesn’t happen to be listed, or is a vague description, such as “self-employed” (which usually means weed dealer, btw), then it’s the first question asked when you’re chatting. Well, in my case it’s the second question. I’d rather know how tall you are… I can date a dealer, I cannot date someone who is 5’6”. 

So what did I say to people I met? Well, I straight up lied to some - knowing of course it wasn’t going anywhere. I’ve been a Spiritual Retreat Leader, a reporter for “High Times” magazine, and my favorite, Personal Concierge to Donald Trump - the irony was too amusing. Others I skirted around the issue, saying I was doing side jobs, etcetera. A select few would be privy to the truth, I am a 33 year old, single, unemployed woman. Look away children - the horror!!

Our identity is so wrapped up in what we do when, in most cases, our jobs are not a direct reflection of our passions. Sure you’ll meet or know a few people who are in sync with life and work, but mostly you just hear about them on TV or the internet: Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, Oprah, Bono…

The thing is, I’m a decent, dare I say, semi-awesome person. I have no criminal record (yet), I’ve never had a DUI, the only things I’m addicted to are Sour Patch kids and Leonardo DiCaprio. I love making people feel loved and I try to be humble and grateful for everything I do have.

True love spans the ages

It would be kinda creepy weird however, if that’s how you introduced yourself to someone.

“Hi, my name is Jacqueline. I’m a super awesome person who loves animals and making people feel loved”. I’d sound like Malibu Barbie. 

You also cannot list these personal attributes in a resume:

• Strengths: organized, detail oriented, super awesome
• Weaknesses: puppy cuddles, tart candies

I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to think more about this as I’ve filled out hundreds of applications and sat through multiple boring interviews. It’s unfortunate that we put so much emphasis on occupation. I wouldn’t be any less of a kind, funny person if I were a cashier at Walmart, but would I date a cashier at Walmart? Probably not. There’s such a double standard involved.

Now, as my unemployment is coming to an end, I’m thinking real hard about what I want to spend my time doing. Sometimes the thought of working in an office from 9-5 makes me want to bash my head against a file cabinet. The images of fluorescent lights and stale coffee haunt my dreams. At the same time, the comfort of a steady income is almost an inherent need.

I’ve been reading books about “finding my passion”. “Big Magic” by the uber talented Elizabeth Gilbert, was wonderful. It had a general bias towards writers which was “write” up my alley - get it… write… (Did I mention I also love puns?) The more I’ve thought about what I love, the more signs I’ve noticed pointing me towards writing. I come back to it ALL THE TIME. I love literature and storytelling. I love quotes and lined notebook paper. I love the direct connect between my mind and my keyboard. I love how I can be moved to tears upon reading just one powerful sentence. I love how I can fall in love with someone who doesn’t really exist. Writing is magical. I need it in my life to feel complete.

Once I’ve edited a blog piece and have it ready to post, I feel a sense of euphoria. It’s a rush knowing how many eyes are going see it. It’s scary to know every word will be dissected and digested by total strangers and friends alike. But it moves me, it makes me feel present and totally connected to myself. I can tune out anything when enter the writing zone.

So that’s it, that’s my passion and my calling in life and right now as I write this, I’m putting it out to the Universe that this is what I want, and this is what I shall have!

I’m not becoming a writer, I AM a writer.

Ok, I’m climbed down from my magical unicorn now. I fully realize that I cannot simply apply to be a writer. If I’d like to switch career paths I’d need to go back to school, which isn’t out of the question, but not a feasible option right now. So, until my first novel takes off, or I become a millionaire for some reason, I’m going to have to step back into the sometimes soul-sucking working world. I’m doing so with renewed energy. I finally know the path I’m on is the right one. I can feel it in my guts and bones.

I don’t know how long it will take. I don’t know how many more stale cups of coffee I’ll ingest, but I can see my end game now and I am pumped, friends!

I’d like to say a “thank you” in advance for your support. Your good vibes, positive energy and encouraging comments are truly the magic behind the reason I can do this! I’m excited and terrified and kinda craving some sour patch kids. I know ya’ll will stay tuned and hopefully my journey will inspire some of yours.

Cheers to our passions, friends!

Love and much gratitude,

Jax

*PS: my apologies for the wonky line spacing and font size, the platform isn't playing very nice with me tonight*