Cherry

As I’m sure most of you know, I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I’m not one to rehash the gory details of relationships past and I have too much respect for Him to play the “fault” game; therefore I will not be writing the details of why this past union didn’t pan out. I am going to write about how awesome it felt to put myself first.

 In no way was this an easy decision. My heart broke, I cried. I cried a lot. I cried the ugly cry. I made a trip home, I ate junk food, I prayed (and for those of you who really know me, you know how desperate I must have been at that point) I begged, literally and I pleaded. Then like a cold slap in my face, I got off my knees, wiped my nose and stood up for myself.

My problem is one I believe many women deal with when in relationships. We are looking for our other half. When we start dating someone, we realize how special they are, we start to merge lives together. Before you know it that person has their own towel in your bathroom, their own cereal in your cupboard and their own “spot “on your couch. While that’s all fine and good, if you’re not careful you start to get sucked into thinking that you are a better person now then you were before Mr. Towel-in-the-Bathroom came along.  And who can blame us? Being the other half to someone is romanticized. How many times have we heard “you complete me” or “two minds, one heart”?  I’m here to tell you, ladies, that’s BULLSHIT! 

We are not here to complete another person or to fill their missing piece. A partner, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend should be seen before us as a gift that we are to compliment. You don’t complete the present, you make it better. It’s like the cherry on top of a sundae, the sundae is amazing without the cherry. It has all that yummy fudge and whipped cream. It’s clearly a deliciously edible treat all on its very own, and just when you think it can’t get any better, BOOM! You throw that cherry on top! Perfect. Our significant others should be that cherry!

Now, back to my breakup. I was a tasty sundae all on my own before my boyfriend stepped into the picture. I had just the right amount of fudge to ice cream ratio and for the first time in a long time, I was emotionally healthy all by myself. When he came along, I looked at Him as my cherry on top.  He didn’t make me a better person; he made me want to be a better person. As certain problems began to arise in our relationship I started to lose that feeling. I started panicking thinking “what am I going to do if he dumps me? I’m going to be that pathetic, almost 30 year old, single girl!” In my scared, anxious state, I told myself, “I will do whatever it takes to keep Him and to show Him how much he means to me.”! I no longer looked like a delicious ice cream treat; I started to look like a melty, sticky mess on the floor.

But I saw it, I was able, even if for the briefest of seconds,  to step back and see myself – sad and melting on my living room floor, promising this Man that I would be whatever he wanted me to be, if he’d just try to make this work. I didn’t recognize myself. This wasn’t the woman I had been striving to be. This was a fear stricken girl, afraid of being alone. A clear thought started to come to me again, and again, “this is not who you are”. And indeed, that was not who I was. I was a strong healthy woman before this Man came along and I would be a strong healthy woman without him.  He does not make me who I am. He fell in love with me for the woman I was, not the woman he wanted me to be... And that was that. 

It took a bit, and I’m still finding sticky spots on my carpet, but I cleaned up that melted mess I left on the floor. Then I took out my ice cream scoop and my favorite pint of Ben and Jerry’s. I loaded up a bowl with Cherry Garcia and topped it with an obscene amount of hot fudge. The only thing that could make this any better, would be that cherry, but I’m not about to turn down a bowl of ice cream without one ;)

Grow Up!

It’s starting to get to me, the angst ridden facebook posts, the bad mouthing behind one anothers backs, the desire to create unnecessary drama. I know most of you reading this are in your mid to late twenties if not older, so I feel that this is an appropriate audience to voice this issue. Where do we draw the line on adolescent behavior and start expecting more from women? 

I’m 29 now and it shocks me on a daily basis how immature women my age act and I think social media has a great deal to do with this situation. Facebook and Twitter are now giant billboards on which we can write how we’ve been wronged, post snarky remarks about individuals and add nasty comments to other people’s words. Perhaps it’s been that these adolescent women have not had a channel in which to display their immaturity. Well, it’s here, and it’s ridiculous! 

For ages women have been looked down upon as the inferior sex. It seems we have constantly had to prove ourselves. Incredibly, it was less than 100 years ago that women weren’t allowed to vote. Since then, we’ve fought to vote, we’ve taken over corporations; we’ve become working mothers and independent home owners. We’ve done all this to prove that we are strong, smart, self-sufficient people. Why are we personally sabotaging this image? Or is that what it really is, just an image? Perhaps these women are not strong and independent. Perhaps they are just simple, catty and materialistic. 

Personally, I don’t care if you boyfriend didn’t get you a ring for Christmas; I don’t care about how many tequila shots you had last night, I don’t care about the tormented song lyrics that “just get you”.  Social media is not your therapist. You cannot gain real life perspective by putting up short paragraphs about your drama filled life on a website.  Drama is created and festers if not dealt with, and you can’t deal with your problems on a webpage. 

Women need to slow down their hectic lives and to learn how to reconnect with actual individuals, face to face. We need to learn how to stand up for ourselves and stop hiding behind the keyboard, for when you tackle something head on, you see results. Beat around the bush and hype it up on your facebook page and you’re only going to create a bigger mess. 

So, angsty-drama filled-immature women, please wake up. It’s time to put away your prom dress and pull up your big girl pants. This is the real world, where real people exist. Try living in it. I guarantee you’ll get more satisfactory results than the responses to that “cryptic” facebook status you think no one will understand.

Balance

This year the Universe scooped up two huge handfuls of mud and buried me in it. 

I was stunned! I didn’t have any warning.  First I’m shocked and scared. How do I get out of this? I can’t breathe with this gunk on top of me. Then I panic, I need to get out of here, I need to dig my way out of this as fast as I can and take a shower and pretend this never happened. And all this time Universe is sitting back watching me, giggling at my futile attempts to free myself of this mess. 

Now I’m getting pissed, “What the hell, Universe?! I haven’t done anything to deserve this! I’m a good person, I make good decisions! This isn’t fair!”  Then Universe says, in his most serious of voices, “but Jacqueline, haven’t you figured it out by now? I’m not fair?”

That’s when I had one of those “ah-ha” moments that all the celebrities talk about. My “ah-ha” didn’t come while I was feeding starving children in Africa, it didn’t come while I was on a mission trip to Haiti. It came to me on an ordinary night in November, 7 months after my dad’s untimely death. I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, conversing with Universe. I kept asking him ‘why’.  

***Note: this part of my writing details a tiny pity party, but it doesn’t last long, so keep reading.**  

Why have I had to struggle my entire life? I’ve put up with terrible asthma and eczema since birth. I’ve had virtually no relief from discomfort since then. I’ve been diagnosed with MS, my husband divorced me because of it. I live paycheck to paycheck in order to pay an exorbitant amount of money on prescriptions every month. I’m continuously paying off medical bills, and now, on top of all this you have taken my dad away from me?! Can’t I catch a break? I thought maybe if I pleaded my case, Universe would take heart and reveal to me an answer. Instead Universe said “because this is the way it is meant to be”.  And that was that. 

I closed my eyes. I took that answer and rolled it around in my brain. I made its hard edges soft with pondering. It became malleable and I held it in my hands.  What I saw there was peace. This was the first time I had truly felt serene about where I was in my life and the circumstances surrounding it. I clung that moment like a warm embrace. I could see my concerns and sadness whirling around me.  I also saw happiness and contentment. These feelings and experiences make me whole. I pictured myself as earth, this little ball of mass, which without lightness and darkness, without water and air, would cease to prosper. 

And so is my being. Without trials and tribulation without success and prosperity, one’s life cannot be complete. The Universe showed me in order to appreciate the goodness in my life I had to see bad times as well. And in order to experience those bad times, I had to see goodness.  I started to understand the necessity of life balance. I must work as hard as I play. I must appreciate the love in my life as well as the dislike. I have to embrace chaos and balance it with serenity. 

To some this might seem like a hippy dippy sort of approach to life, but this isn’t about being one with earth and nature. It isn’t about meditating or chanting or even praying. This is about appreciating life in its entirety. 

 I’m welcoming 2012. I’m looking forward to what it holds for me, both good and bad. I’m excited to watch myself become the person I am meant to be.  

Happy New Year!

So there's this guy....

 So, this guy walks into a bar - no seriously, he did and he was way cute! If you're waiting for a punchline, it's not gonna happen, I just wanted a clever way to hook you all into reading this. Pretty good, huh? Initially I wasn't going to do this because I feel like every time I write about something extra awesome that is happening in my life, I somehow end up jinxing it, and I REALLY don't want to jinx this. I also feel, however that everything happens for a certain reason therefore there must be a reason I'm writing this. Luck be damned! So back to that guy in the bar...

I had met Him while doing my second round of online dating. Online dating, man! Can we talk about that for a second? It's intense - not intense in the oh-my-god-I-hope-I-find-THE-one kinda way. More like, oh-my-god-I-hope-no-weirdo-freak-psycho-killers-are-creeping-on-my-profile kinda way. I could go on and on about the "lovely" men I've had the pleasure of meeting online, but I'll digress. Maybe in a different blog.

So He emails me. Good start. All His spelling and grammar are correct. It was a cute short little email. Good. Checked out the profile picture of Him...with a GIRL? No explanation of said girl in picture, clearly no attempt was made to cut her out of the picture. I'd like to assume sister, but I go with  ex-girlfriend. Check stats. No kids. Good. Older. Good. Doesn't smoke, college degree, job. Good, good, good. Hmm, things are lookin' like a go. I email back, and so starts a friendly little week long conversation which ends with an invitation to get together. Duh, I said "yes".

So this is the part where He walks into the bar. I'll set the tone for you. I was so nervous to meet Him, I was using yoga breathing techniques on the drive over, hoping to quell my urge to puke. It was POURING out. I did have cute hair at one point, but I'm pretty sure by the time I ran from the parking lot to the bar, I looked like a wet rat. Eh, maybe he won't notice, I am showing a little cleav after all.

He hasn't arrived yet. I fear our date might already be going downhill when I discover the bar is full. Like, U-Haul full of linebackers, kind of full. He texts me "just walking in". Suddenly, there is a subconscious mantra going through my head: "PLEASEBECUTE, PLEASEBECUTE, PLEASEBECUTE". He walks in, CUTE!!! Yes! Score one for the night! Oh! And He's tall! Score two!! Alright, things are looking up! We do the awkward handshake and then stare at each other for a second while we are trying to answer the hostess's question whether we'd like to put our names down for a table or not. I'm thinking "No! I didn't sign up for dinner! Too much pressure, what if you're super weird. What if you like Star Trek marathons and still do keg stands?? Just drinks". Apparently He has different ideas, our names are down. We try to shimmy our way through the bar to wait. Oh! What's that?! Two ladies leaving happy hour a little late, open spots! Score three for the night.

So we're seated. Side by side we stare at the drink menu. I'm wondering what to order that is strong enough to chill me out, but not strong enough to make me look like an alcoholic. Jameson it is. He orders wine. Hmmm, wine? I decide I'm ok with that. Drinks are ordered, time to start the small talk. Wait, this isn't small talk. What is happening? Is He actually having a normal conversation with me? Oh, that girl in your picture was just a friend? What, you like to cook? You've traveled around the world? Ahh! I don't know what to do! I had memorized the weekend forecast just in case we needed a topic! I'm jumping up and down inside! Yes!! He's smart! He looks at me when He talks. Something is happening here...

Another Jameson, now He has me laughing. Man, He's got a great smile. I wonder if he's going to kiss me tonight? Another glass of wine (for him). Bathroom break. I check my watch. Holy hell! It's 11pm. We've been talking and drinking for 5 hours! There is definitely something happening here. Back at the bar, we are people watching. Possibly one of my favorite pastimes.  Turns out, he does too! We make up stories for the feisty old trollop across the bar, hitting on the Jersey Shore cast member wanna be. And one for the two gentleman across from us wearing  wolf shirts probably purchased at a goodwill. Yes. I am liking this tall cute boy.

Now it's nearly midnight, on a Tuesday. We both have to work in the morning. So, we tab out. He pays - this is new! He walks me to my car. Hug. Mmmm, good hug. The kind that makes you smile while you're still embracing. Ahh! He's so tall, I love it! Done with the hug. Kiss? Nope, but I'm ok with it. I'm liking this guy. I get into my jeep and start towards home. Yep, there is definitely, most certainly something happening.

Jacqueline-O-Lantern

I've always said I have a circle face

When you carve a pumpkin you open up the top, scrape out all the gunky seeds and pulp. You put it in a bag and toss it out (well, except for the seeds. I toast those and eat ‘em!) Anyway, while you’re scraping and pulling out goo, you’re thinking about what awesome design you’re going to carve on this pumpkin. It’s going to be something you’re proud of, maybe something that makes you laugh. In any case, it’s something you want other people to look at and admire.

So you cut and shave and poke and pull until, VOILA! Your jack-o-lantern is complete! It’s not perfect, maybe you accidentally scraped out a little too much, maybe you made one of his features just a little too small, but others will never notice. You take out your matches and light a little candle to place inside. You put the cover on to protect the flame, then you stand back and gaze. Your jack-o-lantern looks perfect and it’s all because of that hard work you put in, and the little flame burning inside. 

This got me to thinking about how a great jack-o-lantern is the perfect metaphor for one’s self. 

I’ve worked hard to carve out the features I’d like people to see. I had to dig inside myself and get rid of my emotional gunk and goo. I put it in a bag and threw it away. And then I worked and worked, carving out and working on myself until I was finally satisfied. Now people can look at me and see my little light. 

Everyone has issues, emotional and otherwise, but a lot of people have a hard time letting go. When we let go and get over our issues, we are cleaning out our emotional gunk. While we’re doing that we are working on becoming a better person, the person we want to be, and the person we want others to really see. When we’ve made enough room inside and we’ve carved and sculpted ourselves just enough, people start to see our light. People get to see who we really are. And the part I think that is the most fantastic of all is the fact that you get to create whatever picture you’d like people to see. 

So what do you want to be this Halloween? Maybe it’s time to start carving out your own self and getting rid of that emotional crap inside. Just a little something to think about while you’re munching on your pumpkin seeds this Halloween season.

Hooked Up

Most of you who read my blog know about Operation Hookworm. If you don’t, here’s the Reader’s Digest version: After 27 some years of asthma attacks, allergies and eczema, I was turned on to a new “treatment” for these sorts of autoimmune deficiencies. The premise: infect yourself with hookworm larva. Once the hookworms mature in your body, they secrete a substance that sort of tones down your immune response to allergens. Infected patients were seeing dramatic results. No more allergies, no more asthma attacks! The cost? A mere $3000 (not covered by insurance of course). See my December blog “Hope for My Holidays” for a better back story and how I raised the funds.

Now let’s fast forward. I "adopted" 35 hookworms on March 14th. By “adopted” I mean had them shipped from England to Canada, went to Canada, put them on my skin and let them burrow their way into my belly. It was really not as bad as it sounds. 

The baby hookworms come in a tiny vial. They are so small they aren’t visible to the human eye.

35 Hookworms in their Vials

They are suctioned out of their vial and placed on a large Band-Aid. Once they are all there, the Band-Aid is transferred to my skin.

Putting them on a band-aid

I put mine on the inside of my bicep where the skin is soft and relatively hairless. Within about 10 minutes I started to feel an itch at the site. This was a good thing; it meant the wormies were on the move. What happens is the larva irritates the skin and causes it to become inflamed and almost liquefied, allowing the larva to penetrate between the skin cells. They sure are smart little dudes.

Ready to move in!

After they entered the skin, they moved into the bloodstream. I liked to picture them on a lazy river ride through my body, they just sort of drifted about, checking out the new territory. They moved through the lungs where they kicked up a little dust, causing me to cough and swallow. Then they found a comfy little spot to call home. And you know what they say about a new home, "location, location, location!" They found the best spot, located right below my belly, where they have access to all my favorite foods like ice cream and coffee and pineapple! I'm also pretty sure they have a great view of some pretty healthy internal organs. Once they found a place to call home, they threw themselves a little housewarming soirée. I was hoping maybe they'd have a low key dinner party, instead they had a kegger. They partied for weeks. Clearly, we had not discussed the terms of the lease.

In the outside world, where I live, I was experiencing the worst stomach ache I had ever had. Everything normal I ate, the worms hated. They only wanted cheerios and iced tea. Try to give them a pizza and they threw a FIT! This didn’t start right away. It took about 3 weeks, but then it was on! It was so bad; I would lie in my bed on my knees in a ball, waiting for the pain to stop. It was about 3 weeks before the pain subsided. Bonus side effect though, lost 5 lbs.


Back inside, the wormies were growing up. Thank goodness! They traded in their keg cups for briefcases and went to work. They attached themselves inside my intestines and began to secrete their secret sauce that makes this process work.

In the mean time would check in with Jasper, my hookworm guy in England on a regular basis. While I was seeing some results, I wasn’t seeing as many as he wanted to see. He suggested I get a few more babies, 50 more to be exact. He assured me that since I was already hosting 35, I wouldn't have such an extreme reaction as I did with the previous. At that point he could have told me I would have a stomach ache 10x as bad, I still would have done it. I felt like I’d come too far to stop. So at the end of July, I was hooked up again.

2nd dose in and ready to work

It’s now been a bit more than 6 months since my initial inoculation, and I'm now the proud mom to 85 hookworms and the results I have seen have been amazing! My eczema is fantastic! All summer I was able to wear short sleeves without worrying about how bad the eczema on my arms was. I stopped taking one of my asthma medicines completely, and I only have had to use my rescue inhaler about once every 2 weeks or so. BW (before worms) I was taking my rescue inhaler at least once a day. I would have to refill it every month. I have the same one now that I refilled in June. 

My allergies have been a bit stubborn. It’s been a horrible summer for them here in the cities; however my reactions have stayed pretty mild. I have had some friends miss work because their allergies have been so bad, so the fact that mine are pretty status quo for this time of year is great! 

The worms are also supposed to help with my MS. Granted, my MS has pretty much been benign since my initial diagnosis almost 5 years ago; I have still had what I call “ghost symptoms” from time to time. These are not real relapses. They happen when I get overheated or have a fever. The body mimics MS symptoms like tingling in the feet or hands and extreme fatigue. Since my wormies moved in, I’ve experienced none of these. I have been able to be out in the heat of the summer without problems. In a lot of ways, the last 6 months have been absolutely fantastic! 

The ultimate goal is to be able to completely stop my asthma and allergy meds, and to be rid of my eczema all together. I’m very early in the stages of this process. It can take up to a whole year to see the full results. So far so good!

I want to thank every for all the support and good vibes you’ve sent my way through this process. It’s been a weird one, to say the least, but it’s really changing my life. I’m so grateful to everyone who had a part in making this happen. I’ll keep updating from time to time on here. 

If you’d like to learn more, or if you know someone who might benefit from this treatment, please check out Jasper Lawrence’s site. It’s full of information and testimonies. This treatment can truly change lives, and I’m lucky enough to be proof!!

My hookworm hookup.  Jasper Lawrence's Site 

Information on  How This Works