GAY

I don’t often write about politically charged issues, but hey, it’s an Election year. So in the spirit of Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin, I thought I’d voice a topic close to my heart, gay marriage.

If you do your research and look into the history of marriage, it is anything but romantic. Marriage was not a mere personal matter concerning only a husband and wife, but the business of their two families which brought them together. Most marriages were arranged. The wife had fewer rights than her husband and was expected to be subservient to him. Marriage was also seen as an economic arrangement. Procreation and cooperation were the main marital duties. Sweet, huh? 

Things have changed. We can have or adopt and raise children on our own. We can start and run our own multi-million dollar corporations. We do not need to legally bond ourselves to someone in order to survive. Most Americans know this. Therefore, the idea that marriage should only be viewed as a contract to ensure kids and money is preposterous. Again, most Americans know this, in fact, I would argue that most of world knows this – though it may not be practiced or spoken of so freely.

Marriage now is entered into for love.  Your wedding is the one day of your life that you get to stand up in front of your family and friends and tell them all how much you love this other person. You love them so much, that you are willing to legally bind yourself to them forever.  We dance, we eat, we drink, and we celebrate the love of two people. 

The Constitution of the United States says nothing specifically about marriage itself, so how can one say whether bans on gay marriage are constitutional? The Constitution does mention equal rights to all citizens. Is it not unequal to offer legalized marriage to one couple and not another? Was it unequal to keep black and white citizens separate? Was it unequal to not allow women to vote? I believe the problem lies in the fact that so many Americans (in particular) do not view marriage as a contract between two individuals who love each other; they view it as a contract between two individuals who love each other AND God. 

Guess who isn’t mentioned in the Constitution? That’s right, it’s God. In fact it is written in the First Amendment: "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof..." Separation of Church and State, baby! So, according to the Constitution, religious establishments can choose not to marry a same sex couple, but the government intuitions cannot. The way I see it, it’s unconstitutional to ban same sex marriages. 

However, I not only see it as unconstitutional, I see it as callous. Assuming there are no legal barriers to same sex marriages, there seem to be only religious/moral barriers. Though I no longer consider myself a religious person, I do remember what I was taught. “Judge not lest ye be judged”. From what I know of religion, in the end, it is not we who decide if we go to “heaven” or “hell”, is it not we who decide what is sinful or not. We are not the final judgment, God is. So, as mortal individuals put here on earth by God and instructed by God to judge not, where do we get off telling people they cannot marry someone they love because of their sexual preference? We are all human beings. We all deserve to be treated with respect and dignity. Perhaps if we practiced tolerance instead of prejudice the world would be a little bit of a better place. 

An estimated 1.8 million people worldwide died of AIDS in 2010. According to the United Nations about 25,000 people die every day of hunger or hunger-related causes. Cancer kills roughly 1,500 people per day in the US. These are the issues we should be worried about. These are the issues that are changing the world. Throwing up arms in response to two same sex individuals legally marrying each other seems a bit petty to me when you look at the big picture. But as Americans we’re good at that aren’t we, turning our heads at the ugly, shielding our eyes from the bad.  I don't know about you, but I think it’s time we took the blindfold off. 

Presence

Yeah, I watched the season finale of The Bachelorette. Yes, I got a little teary eyed when Jef (who I knew would win) proposed. I even watched the “After the Final Rose” show… I was a little obsessed this year. Turns out, so are millions of other women. Is it because we get to live vicariously through other people? Is it because the men are cute? Is it because we like drama? Yes, but I also think it’s because we are watching something that lacks in our relationships – and it fascinates us.

In an age where you can find a potential husband on the internet, have complete conversations via text message, and discuss weekend plans over email, romance has been lost. Not saying I don’t value these technological tools, I did find my boyfriend on the internet, he makes my whole day when he texts me good morning, and I love seeing his name in my inbox, but I also daydream about the old fashioned sort of stuff. 

I think women like the idea of the bachelorette because we want amorousness and butterflies in our stomach. These couples go on exotic dates; the men say hopelessly romantic things, they talk about their (gasp!) future together, they bring flowers and in the end there is a huge diamond ring. Never in the show do you see someone check their cell phone mid-dinner or flip on the tv to get Sports Center updates. There is hand holding and talking over a glass of wine. There are walks on the beach and picnics in the woods. I know “normal” couples don’t do these sorts of things on a regular basis, but what if we could get back to the basics, take a break from technology, unplug and get to know someone? 

My first date with my now boyfriend was 5 hours long. We literally sat at a bar, drank beer and talked for 5 hours. It was one of the best dates I’ve been on. He didn’t keep his cell phone sitting next to him on the bar; his attention was 100% on me. He looked me in the eye when he talked. He was confident and didn’t need a crutch to make the date go well. It was perfect. And several of our other dates following were the same thing. But then life sets in, and you get comfortable with someone. We hang out on the couch more and go to dinner less. There is more tv watching than face-to-face talking, and pretty soon I’m are wondering what the heck happened? I realized the other night that my boyfriend sees me more in my lounge pants and an oversized tee-shirt than he does in regular clothes…hot. I feel like I’ve gotten lazy with him. I take for granted the times he’s over – letting them fly by while each of us is doing something completely separate from one another. While I think it’s very important for each of us to have our own hobbies, I should be taking advantage of the times I do have him around. 

Eventually (hopefully sooner than later) I want to marry my best friend. I want to marry the man who knows me so well, he could write my life story. I’m not going to find that sitting in my lounge pants watching Dexter. I’m going to find that with more conversation and sharing experiences together. My cell phone will always be around (even though most the time I can’t find it) and you can record tv now. There’s no excuse not to be more present when you’re with the person you care about. 

So I challenge you to turn off your cell phone, close your laptop, flip off the tv and be present. There are countless times I wish I could have had that opportunity with loved ones I no longer have. I don’t care to make the same mistakes twice. So, grab a drink and find a comfy spot and sit down and talk to the person you care about. Cheers!

Silhouettes

When I think of moving on, I picture a particular incident or a situation, and I picture myself packing up a backpack and walking away from it. Sometimes I feel like I’m running down the road, the situation is literally behind me, so far behind me that I can’t see it through the dust I’ve kicked up. And then there are the other times, where it seems to take me forever to even find my pack. I eventually start stuffing the bag, but man I am moving at a snail’s pace. Sometimes I want to strap on my Nikes and hightail it, and sometimes, I’m too scared to even lace them up. And, that – right there – is why I believe so many people (sometimes I included) hang onto their pasts. Fear of the future.

The future is uncertain. We all know this - there are no guarantees. I could die before I finish writing this post. For some people, this is exhilarating, the unknown, the excitement and anticipation of what is to come. For others, like me (IE: control freaks) unknowns are terrifying. I would much rather make a giant list and plan out the next 10 years of my life, than live as I am currently forced to – leaving it up to the stars. Uncertainty makes me anxious; it makes me physically ill at times. However, through many (many, many, many) therapy sessions, I’ve learned just because I cannot control things external to myself, does not mean I lack all control. Once I discovered this – I felt somewhat liberated. No, I can’t control my future, I can’t make someone promise to not break my heart, I can’t be guaranteed I’ll keep this secure job. But I can control how I react to these events should they occur. I can control how I handle the situation, and that can be quite powerful. 

Now… back to moving on. We’ve established that the future is one big question mark – in contrast, the past is a big exclamation point. We look at the past and hold onto it because it’s secure. We know the outcome; we know if we continue to follow the paths we’ve been on for years, we will go the same places. Some people are content to keep on these same paths. They like these routes, they are pretty and rewarding enough in themselves that straying to something different isn’t necessary. For others, this becomes monotonous. The paths get boring, the person you’re hiking with turns out to be a bad travel partner and so, you have to make a decision. You can keep walking and hope after enough miles you’ll feel that contentment, or you can take a different route. 

The catch is, and one that I feel so many “hikers” fail to think of is that it’s physically impossible to travel two trails at once, and even if you could, there is no way to have the utmost rewarding experience one trail has to offer, if you keep looking back at the other. In order to fully embrace what the future has to offer, you have to let go of your past. 

The last man I was extremely serious about melted me. When he left I barely recognized myself in the mirror, but I couldn’t let him go. Sure, I physically didn’t have him anymore, but I wouldn’t let myself move completely forward. He had moved on, and I needed to so badly, but it took me FOREVER. I looked for every excuse not to, but eventually I packed up my bag, I tied my shoes, I started down my new path.  I stopped every few steps to look over my shoulder, hoping that I was making the right choice, but while looking over my shoulder I was missing the beautiful scenery around me. I was so focused on what was behind me; I was missing what was right in front of me. It was only when something caught my attention and drew my eyes forward that I really moved on. I started walking faster and looking back less frequently. Soon enough, I was able to look behind me and see just the silhouettes. And I liked that, the silhouette reminders of my past. Some were pretty, some made me laugh; others reminded me why I left, but none beckoned me to return. 

I’m not saying that the trail I’m on now is the one I’ll be on forever, but so far it’s a great one. I am living each day in the present, appreciating the people and experiences I have in my life right now, not the ones I wish were or have been, and I believe it’s because of this I can look back every once in a while, if not for perspective but for prosperity. 

So I dare you to let go. I dare you to confront an issue that you’re too scared to tackle and hit it head on. Leave the remnants in your dust and look forward to this gorgeous path you’re on. After all, nothing ruins a future like holding onto the past.

My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades

Baggage

I strive to be seen and live my life as a strong, independent woman, but there are times, especially of late when I think it’s all a façade. I’m 29 (ok…almost 30). I’ve been through more things in my almost 30 years here on earth, than most people go through in a whole lifetime. I spent a good majority of my childhood bouncing from ERs to ICUs. I was married and divorced early in my twenties and I lost my dad when I was far too young. But, I don’t focus on the difficulties my health issues pose and I haven’t let my failures define me. I keep my head up and my eyes focused down the road.

I come with more than my fair share of baggage. Granted, I like to think of it more like designer Louis Vuitton trunks than Hefty bags. My health is probably the biggest in my luggage ensemble. When I strip myself down to the core of my issues, I’m pretty high maintenance. No, it doesn’t take me 2 hours to get ready in the morning, but I am very limited as to what I can do in my daily life. I have to watch what I eat, where I go, what I breathe, how hot or cold I get. I have to pay attention to what meds I’ve taken and how accessible I am to medical care in the case of an emergency. These are all things I keep for the most part, hidden. Thoughts of this nature probably run through my mind at least 10 times a day, and that’s not an exaggeration. My luggage – designer or not, has started to wear me down. 

I’ve been carrying these suitcases of thoughts and issues all by myself for years now. I’ve tried to do so with grace and dignity, but I’m starting to stumble. I’m having a hard time asking for a hand. I do not like to be looked upon with pity. When people see me, I want them to see what I’ve accomplished and who I am as a person, before they see the pile of Louis Vuitton bags behind me, so I do things for others to let them know that not only can I take care of myself, but I can take care of them too.  For me, asking for help is admitting I can’t do it on my own, and doing it on my own is what I’ve been trying to do all along. 

I’m not looking for someone to take on my problems and fix them. I’m more looking for someone to walk next to me and carry a couple of my bags, but everyone holds on to some of their issues and yeah, mine are wrapped up in pretty packaging, but these suckers are heavy! It’s going to take someone pretty extraordinary to look past their own collection of baggage and say to me “hey, I see the mass amount of couture luggage you have there. Looks a bit heavy, why don’t I give you a hand?”. I don’t want someone to take away all my problems, I just want someone to look at them with me and tell me that in the end, they aren’t as big as they seem.

While I appreciate the fact that I have and have had to struggle to get places in my life (I feel that hardships make my victories sweeter) I’m ready to be done facing my battles alone.

Cherry

As I’m sure most of you know, I recently broke up with my boyfriend. I’m not one to rehash the gory details of relationships past and I have too much respect for Him to play the “fault” game; therefore I will not be writing the details of why this past union didn’t pan out. I am going to write about how awesome it felt to put myself first.

 In no way was this an easy decision. My heart broke, I cried. I cried a lot. I cried the ugly cry. I made a trip home, I ate junk food, I prayed (and for those of you who really know me, you know how desperate I must have been at that point) I begged, literally and I pleaded. Then like a cold slap in my face, I got off my knees, wiped my nose and stood up for myself.

My problem is one I believe many women deal with when in relationships. We are looking for our other half. When we start dating someone, we realize how special they are, we start to merge lives together. Before you know it that person has their own towel in your bathroom, their own cereal in your cupboard and their own “spot “on your couch. While that’s all fine and good, if you’re not careful you start to get sucked into thinking that you are a better person now then you were before Mr. Towel-in-the-Bathroom came along.  And who can blame us? Being the other half to someone is romanticized. How many times have we heard “you complete me” or “two minds, one heart”?  I’m here to tell you, ladies, that’s BULLSHIT! 

We are not here to complete another person or to fill their missing piece. A partner, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend should be seen before us as a gift that we are to compliment. You don’t complete the present, you make it better. It’s like the cherry on top of a sundae, the sundae is amazing without the cherry. It has all that yummy fudge and whipped cream. It’s clearly a deliciously edible treat all on its very own, and just when you think it can’t get any better, BOOM! You throw that cherry on top! Perfect. Our significant others should be that cherry!

Now, back to my breakup. I was a tasty sundae all on my own before my boyfriend stepped into the picture. I had just the right amount of fudge to ice cream ratio and for the first time in a long time, I was emotionally healthy all by myself. When he came along, I looked at Him as my cherry on top.  He didn’t make me a better person; he made me want to be a better person. As certain problems began to arise in our relationship I started to lose that feeling. I started panicking thinking “what am I going to do if he dumps me? I’m going to be that pathetic, almost 30 year old, single girl!” In my scared, anxious state, I told myself, “I will do whatever it takes to keep Him and to show Him how much he means to me.”! I no longer looked like a delicious ice cream treat; I started to look like a melty, sticky mess on the floor.

But I saw it, I was able, even if for the briefest of seconds,  to step back and see myself – sad and melting on my living room floor, promising this Man that I would be whatever he wanted me to be, if he’d just try to make this work. I didn’t recognize myself. This wasn’t the woman I had been striving to be. This was a fear stricken girl, afraid of being alone. A clear thought started to come to me again, and again, “this is not who you are”. And indeed, that was not who I was. I was a strong healthy woman before this Man came along and I would be a strong healthy woman without him.  He does not make me who I am. He fell in love with me for the woman I was, not the woman he wanted me to be... And that was that. 

It took a bit, and I’m still finding sticky spots on my carpet, but I cleaned up that melted mess I left on the floor. Then I took out my ice cream scoop and my favorite pint of Ben and Jerry’s. I loaded up a bowl with Cherry Garcia and topped it with an obscene amount of hot fudge. The only thing that could make this any better, would be that cherry, but I’m not about to turn down a bowl of ice cream without one ;)

Grow Up!

It’s starting to get to me, the angst ridden facebook posts, the bad mouthing behind one anothers backs, the desire to create unnecessary drama. I know most of you reading this are in your mid to late twenties if not older, so I feel that this is an appropriate audience to voice this issue. Where do we draw the line on adolescent behavior and start expecting more from women? 

I’m 29 now and it shocks me on a daily basis how immature women my age act and I think social media has a great deal to do with this situation. Facebook and Twitter are now giant billboards on which we can write how we’ve been wronged, post snarky remarks about individuals and add nasty comments to other people’s words. Perhaps it’s been that these adolescent women have not had a channel in which to display their immaturity. Well, it’s here, and it’s ridiculous! 

For ages women have been looked down upon as the inferior sex. It seems we have constantly had to prove ourselves. Incredibly, it was less than 100 years ago that women weren’t allowed to vote. Since then, we’ve fought to vote, we’ve taken over corporations; we’ve become working mothers and independent home owners. We’ve done all this to prove that we are strong, smart, self-sufficient people. Why are we personally sabotaging this image? Or is that what it really is, just an image? Perhaps these women are not strong and independent. Perhaps they are just simple, catty and materialistic. 

Personally, I don’t care if you boyfriend didn’t get you a ring for Christmas; I don’t care about how many tequila shots you had last night, I don’t care about the tormented song lyrics that “just get you”.  Social media is not your therapist. You cannot gain real life perspective by putting up short paragraphs about your drama filled life on a website.  Drama is created and festers if not dealt with, and you can’t deal with your problems on a webpage. 

Women need to slow down their hectic lives and to learn how to reconnect with actual individuals, face to face. We need to learn how to stand up for ourselves and stop hiding behind the keyboard, for when you tackle something head on, you see results. Beat around the bush and hype it up on your facebook page and you’re only going to create a bigger mess. 

So, angsty-drama filled-immature women, please wake up. It’s time to put away your prom dress and pull up your big girl pants. This is the real world, where real people exist. Try living in it. I guarantee you’ll get more satisfactory results than the responses to that “cryptic” facebook status you think no one will understand.

Balance

This year the Universe scooped up two huge handfuls of mud and buried me in it. 

I was stunned! I didn’t have any warning.  First I’m shocked and scared. How do I get out of this? I can’t breathe with this gunk on top of me. Then I panic, I need to get out of here, I need to dig my way out of this as fast as I can and take a shower and pretend this never happened. And all this time Universe is sitting back watching me, giggling at my futile attempts to free myself of this mess. 

Now I’m getting pissed, “What the hell, Universe?! I haven’t done anything to deserve this! I’m a good person, I make good decisions! This isn’t fair!”  Then Universe says, in his most serious of voices, “but Jacqueline, haven’t you figured it out by now? I’m not fair?”

That’s when I had one of those “ah-ha” moments that all the celebrities talk about. My “ah-ha” didn’t come while I was feeding starving children in Africa, it didn’t come while I was on a mission trip to Haiti. It came to me on an ordinary night in November, 7 months after my dad’s untimely death. I was lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling, conversing with Universe. I kept asking him ‘why’.  

***Note: this part of my writing details a tiny pity party, but it doesn’t last long, so keep reading.**  

Why have I had to struggle my entire life? I’ve put up with terrible asthma and eczema since birth. I’ve had virtually no relief from discomfort since then. I’ve been diagnosed with MS, my husband divorced me because of it. I live paycheck to paycheck in order to pay an exorbitant amount of money on prescriptions every month. I’m continuously paying off medical bills, and now, on top of all this you have taken my dad away from me?! Can’t I catch a break? I thought maybe if I pleaded my case, Universe would take heart and reveal to me an answer. Instead Universe said “because this is the way it is meant to be”.  And that was that. 

I closed my eyes. I took that answer and rolled it around in my brain. I made its hard edges soft with pondering. It became malleable and I held it in my hands.  What I saw there was peace. This was the first time I had truly felt serene about where I was in my life and the circumstances surrounding it. I clung that moment like a warm embrace. I could see my concerns and sadness whirling around me.  I also saw happiness and contentment. These feelings and experiences make me whole. I pictured myself as earth, this little ball of mass, which without lightness and darkness, without water and air, would cease to prosper. 

And so is my being. Without trials and tribulation without success and prosperity, one’s life cannot be complete. The Universe showed me in order to appreciate the goodness in my life I had to see bad times as well. And in order to experience those bad times, I had to see goodness.  I started to understand the necessity of life balance. I must work as hard as I play. I must appreciate the love in my life as well as the dislike. I have to embrace chaos and balance it with serenity. 

To some this might seem like a hippy dippy sort of approach to life, but this isn’t about being one with earth and nature. It isn’t about meditating or chanting or even praying. This is about appreciating life in its entirety. 

 I’m welcoming 2012. I’m looking forward to what it holds for me, both good and bad. I’m excited to watch myself become the person I am meant to be.  

Happy New Year!