Ferris Wheel

Depression is a disease of contradictions. I feel alone in a full room. I feel overwhelmed in an empty apartment. I long for companionship, but dread being in the company of others. I crave change but fear the adjustment to it. I want someone to cuddle me but I don’t want to be touched.

It’s as though there is a constant tug of war going on in my head. “Go out, stay in. Be social, do something alone. Stay up late, go to bed early”… it’s exhausting, so exhausting; physically exhausting. I feel guilty for the lack of energy I have. I assume people are judging me, hell *I* am judging me. I’m on a break from work. I literally have no responsibilities right now except to get up in the morning, take my medicines and make it to doctor appointments. When my bosses so generously gave me this time off to take care of myself I was so relieved. I thought “Ok! I’m going to get my shit together again! I’m going to rearrange and de-clutter my apartment, make it feel fresh and relaxing again. Exercise is something that every mental health professional suggests makes a huge difference in how you feel, so I’m going to start doing yoga every morning and try to meditate.” I started this great mental checklist that I was sure would help put me back on the right track.

Do you know what I've done so far in the almost 3 weeks I've been off? I moved my furniture around, leaving a mass of freshly unorganized items in its wake and gone to the pound twice to look at dogs. I haven’t gone grocery shopping, I haven’t done yoga, I haven’t even cooked myself a real meal. I sure as hell haven’t exercised. I just can’t. I don’t have the mental will-power. I start the day with good intentions, but they fade so fast sometimes I’m not sure I even had them at all. The only thing I know I can do is sleep. Some days I could sleep all day. And some days I have.

My lack of ambition worries me, though my therapist assures me that it shouldn't. During my last visit she wrote on a paper for me to take home “rest is doing something” But I don’t feel like my “resting” is beneficial. It stresses me out. Not having a plan to follow and just waking up each day with no agenda is making my anxiety worse, on the contrary, the thought of making an agenda and trying to stick to it terrifies me!

I’m stuck in this depression/anxiety Ferris wheel. I guess that’s a fairly accurate description because I can’t just jump off, I have to wait until this stops so I can make it off safely.  Not having the controls though is frustrating. I guess it’s just more patience, more faith that I’ll get in to see a psychiatrist that will put me on the right kind of meds, more waiting and more blogging.