Inspiring Me Now

  • "The Purpose of Life is to Be Happy" Dalai Lama

October 22, 2010

Red light, Green light

Well, it finally happened, the dreaded “ex run-in”, funny choice of words perhaps, because we were both in vehicles at the time. My urge to violently ram my truck into the ambulance he was driving was only quelled by the love I have for Jack, my precious Jeep.

The odd thing is I was thinking of him at the exact moment I saw him. I kid you not people! It was such a strange coincidence that I instantly thought it must mean something. My heart leapt into my throat. “Did he see me? No, he was probably distracted by something else. He didn’t see me” Surprise! He did. I received a text hours later confirming just that. “Saw you on the corner of 6 and Northwest”, it said. All of the heartache I have been trying to suppress and get over for almost a year now, came rushing back. 

What did this mean? Was it fate? Maybe we are going to get back together? I thought back to a year ago. I was so crazy about this man. He stole my heart. I would constantly tell myself (while we were together) that he was too good to be true. He baked me my favorite cake when I had a bad day. He flew to California to meet me for a wedding so I didn’t have to go solo. He paid my rent when I quit my terrible job. He read to me on the couch in the evenings. He showed my best friend the 2 carat diamond he was planning on proposing with.  All these pictures are running through my head while I sat at this intersection waiting for my light to turn green.  

He was the guy I thought I would be having children with, the guy I would be growing old with. Turns out he had different plans. He started pulling away. Not staying over as much. We were fighting frequently. Then one day, he just never returned my call. He blocked my number on his phone.  I literally couldn’t reach him.  Then we went back and forth. He was sorry for acting that way. He still loved me. We’d get together for dinner then the next night it was “I can’t do this. I don’t think we’re right for each other”. Then a few days later, “I’m sorry. I miss you so much. Let’s try to make this work.” This went on and on for months. Until the communication became further and further apart. Now it’s just a drunk text from him occasionally on the weekend. I haven’t actually seen him in months, until yesterday at the stop light. 

So, why is it so easy to forget the bad things? Until I started writing this out, I had forgotten all the reason we weren’t together anymore. I forgot that he had me in tears the night before my birthday. I forgot that he told me my health issues were enough to push anyone away. I forgot that he told me my best guy friend, wouldn’t be invited to our wedding (because he was jealous). I forgot that he told me my dog wasn’t as smart as his (that he had shared with an ex) because I had trained her with treats. He was demeaning and controlling. He wanted a subservient partner who didn’t ask questions. 

My light turned green, I pulled past him in the intersection looking straight ahead. The man of my dreams will be all the great things I missed from this last relationship plus more. He will love me for who I am, not who he hopes I will be. But sometimes the hardest part about moving forward, it not looking back.

1 comment:

  1. This post brought to mind lyrics from a song by our beloved Jonny Lang...

    When things look low
    You've gotta keep stong
    Feet to the grass
    You've gotta walk it off
    The bows been tied
    Too tight to laugh
    Feet to the ground
    You've gotta walk it off
    You can run a red light

    You are SO strong honey! Your strength and perseverance dazzle me. Every relationship has its ups and downs but when the downs outweigh the ups, its time to move on. Being reminded of what he put you through makes me so angry because you are one of the most amazingly kind and wonderful women I know. You deserve the very best and you will find it!

    Green light!!